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‘SPIRITUALITY WITHOUT SHAME’
James Quinn
Aim
My aim with ‘Spirituality Without Shame’ is to provide
a space for anyone who has been patronised or humiliated by groups
claiming to be spiritual. I will hold a one-day ‘Speaking Circle’
event on Saturday 29th November, and I hope to set up a weekly
evening support group.
Let’s get a few things straight first: I am for spirituality,
for creativity in spiritual belief, for the imagination.
If you’re happy with your current path then I won’t try
to convert you. It’s not about whether I consider your belief
in things like life after death, psychic communication or the existence
of God to be true or false. It’s about whether you feel that
somebody was out of order in saying that you disagree with them
simply because you are ignorant of true spiritual principles –
principles that they happen to have access to, but which are as
yet out of your reach.
I want to hear from any individual who feels uneasy about the teachings
or methods of any group they find themselves in. If somebody feels
this then they themselves will know why - even if they cannot put
it into words. The aim of ‘Spirituality Without Shame’
is to allow people to put this unease into their own words - and
to be heard well and supported by an appreciative group of peers.
Saying these thoughts to a group is important. After all, it was
amongst a group of peers that these individuals were bullied into
doubting the validity of their own insights. It takes courage to
reject the teachings of a group rather than just go along with them.
Yet if the group is spiritually dishonest it is the person who resists
who will become the target of shaming. Courage never spared anyone
from wounds. ‘Spirituality Without Shame’ will attempt
to heal these wounds by reversing what has caused them: by hearing
fully, by not interrupting, by supporting the insights we do have
around spirituality and also those insights we have around who is
being manipulative, how they are doing this and why they are doing
it.
My Own Experience
Over ten years ago, when I was in my twenties, I was a member of
a spiritual discussion group in Weymouth. An older man joined who
claimed the group lacked direction – which may have been true.
The direction he wanted to take us in was Platonist. That means
that he believed that some people were superior and others inferior,
and that logically the former should rule the latter. He would state
this baldly in those very words, and insinuate that if you disagreed
with this it was due to lack of spiritual insight on your own part.
He had this knowledge: if we wanted it, we would have to go along
with him. These ideas were new to all of us, but I was the only
one who objected. I was ridiculed for believing in democracy and
equality. I was also condemned for seeking spiritual wisdom in all
religions whilst being unable to affirm with certainty that God
existed. This was not, however, for the reason you might think:
the problem was not that I did not believe in God, but that in Platonism
the “good” and “superior” people were expected
to be resolute in their beliefs.
It shocked me that the other group members went along with him and
I found this particularly disturbing because they were most of the
people I knew at that time. I was living with one member of the
group, and I was unemployed while he was working. This younger man
had always been inclined to bully me because of my attraction to
subjects as diverse as Christianity and magic, but now he felt free
to bludgeon me with any thought that came into his mind: my looks,
my intelligence, my financial status, my ability to attract women.
At this point the older man who had taken over the group offered
me an opportunity to speak with him confidentially about what was
holding me back in life. I accepted. When I attempted to mention
this treatment he silenced me within a second: no, my flatmate was
an excellent young man. But it wasn’t enough for him just to
affirm that. The next time all three of us were together he had
to state that another two people who my flatmate and I had lived
with, and who he himself had never met, were excellent people and
understood the value of true friendship – based on the jobs
they did (a trainee nurse and a trainee yoga teacher).
Here are two thoughts about what might allow this kind of behaviour
to get under your skin and make you feel “perhaps they’re
right, perhaps I am an inferior person”. Number one: Some
of this man’s ideas were undoubtedly spiritual ideas, for example
the idea that the more you give to others the more you receive.
So it allows other ideas that are clearly arrogant to pass unnoticed,
by a sort of spiritual sleight of hand. Number two: It sounds
like he’s being generous towards these three young people.
But in truth what he’s really doing is showing the face of
love, attention and affirmation to whoever agrees with him and showing
condescension, dismissal and open disrespect to whoever does not.
Ten years later I felt that the emotional damage to my self-esteem
created by all of this was still festering. I decided to do something
about it so I looked up “Cults” on the internet. I contacted
an exit counsellor: someone who specialises in people affected by
cults. I was told that the group I had been a member of was not
a cult because they didn’t attempt to brainwash me, so he couldn’t
help. I guess he was right about them not being a cult – but
that hadn’t been the issue for me anyway. So now, a year later
on, I intend to provide that space myself for anyone in the same
position: hence ‘Spirituality Without Shame’. What Next?
The first priority of ‘Spirituality Without Shame’ must
be met before any other aims are considered. That is: to hear, to
understand, to affirm the experiences of the shamed. Which means
listening fully to anybody who attends until they feel they have
said what they have to. I am also greatly interested in the theoretical
issues which these experiences raise: what is genuine spirituality,
what is arrogance, what is manipulation, what appears to be giving
but is really taking? I would love to discuss all this with interested
others. Perhaps this could be a secondary aim – but only after
the primary aim is met.
Sources of Ideas About Communication
‘Be Heard Now’ (about “speaking circles”) by
Lee Glickstein
‘Time to Think’ (about creating a “listening environment”)
by Nancy Kline
‘Non-Violent Communication: A Language of Compassion’
by Marshall Rosenberg
At present this website does not run a discussion
list as we have many other demands upon our time. However, please
feel free to write direct to James
Quinn with your thoughts about these ideas, and copy in Pathways
if you would like us also to be aware of your response - but nothing
will be published by us without permission.
The Speaking Circle on Saturday 29th November
from 1-5pm in Lewisham, South-east London, will be
free of charge, but the venue for the group is not yet firm until
James has some idea of the numbers wishing to attend, so please
do let him know if you wish to attend - please give your full name,
address, phone number, and any other relevant information, and the
venue will be confirmed to you in advance of the meeting, and also
published on the meetings page of this website. If you cannot make
that time and place, as other venues may become available if needed,
so please also let James know you are interested but cannot attend
on this occasion. You can contact James on 020-8314 5601 (leave
a message) or send him an email message: James
Quinn
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